Failure to Launch

I wasn’t going to do this post, but it kept popping into my head, so this is my attempt to get rid of it.

Disclaimer:  This post is not directed at anyone in particular.  If you read this and think I am writing specifically to you, I definitely am not.  It is merely based on my observations and my opinions concerning this young adult generation.

More and more often I am seeing young adults (18-28) who are not “launching.”  I would almost describe them as stuck.  They either don’t know what they want to do or they don’t have any motivation to just do something.  They may either continue to live at home, dependent on their parents, still living as a teenager even though they are in their early twenties.  Or sometimes they take the step of moving out, usually with other friends who are also “stuck,” and continue to drift aimlessly for the next decade.

Don’t hear me saying that everyone’s life needs to look the same…..graduate HS at 18, go to a 4 year college, land your “forever career”, marry at 24, babies at 26.  I think there are lots of paths that look very different than this.  But when I look at so many young adults, I don’t see adults.  Also, don’t hear me saying our family got all of this right.  We didn’t.

I don’t think it can be said that 100% of these cases can be “blamed” on parenting, but I do think that there are certain things parents can do to give their kids the best chance at success.  There are certain milestones that hit before a kid turns 18 that help lead to independence.  These are baby steps to adulthood and when I see families who don’t take some of these steps, the result is not always positive.  

• Getting a driver’s license.  It is a lot of work and stress for the parents, but it is so necessary in building independence.
• Working a job.  You may think “How is making blizzards at DQ going to help my child?”  Well…time management, budgeting, work ethic, interview skills, interpersonal skills, understanding employee-employer relations….I could go on and on.
• Being totally responsible for their school work.  By the last 2 years of high school, I think kids should be self-motivated and handling their own education.  Too many times I see parents checking grades on-line daily, delivering forgotten school items to the school (oops, I was bad about that one), talking to teachers and administrators when a 17 year old should be doing that themselves.
• Working out problems themselves.  I’m not saying don’t be supportive and give advice or jump in when absolutely necessary.  I AM saying, “Let them fail.”  If they are having a problem with a friend, they need to work it out.  The coach is not playing them on the team?  Encourage them to set up a meeting to talk about it.

There is something about this generation that is vastly different than my generation.  Sure, we had a few drifters, but for the most part my peers left home at 18 for college or the military or a career and rarely ended up back home.  We set goals and, even if they were unrealistic and had to be modified (yes, I started out pre-med), we had a plan.

I also think we are too willing to support this drifting lifestyle; letting kids stay home for years while they figure it out.  But they aren’t figuring it out.  They are playing video games and living in a world of social media rather than the world of flesh and bones.  Things like walking into a college class or interviewing for a job are hard and uncomfortable.  Why do that when you can sit in a comfy house where people won’t reject you or you have to do things that aren’t always fun?

So far I have hit on a lot of practical, concrete things.  But there is one really big thing, too.  I believe that parenting your child’s spiritual health is by far the most important thing you can do to get them ready for adulthood.  You cannot make them say YES to Christ….only they can do that.  But you can do everything within your ability to fan the flame and fuel the fire.  For an 18 year old living on mission, adulthood and independence are not big, scary things.  They are amazing opportunities to do the only two things that are really important.  Bring glory to God, and show others the reason for your hope.  EVERYTHING else you do with your life comes back to those 2 things if you are a believer.  If you keep Him your focus and your mission and your prize, suddenly interviewing for a job, getting an apartment, building relationships become a little more appealing, don’t they?

Again, if you know me and you felt like I was talking about you, I wasn’t.  This is a broad trend and maybe someone with a 12 year old will read this and do something differently.

To my daughter on her 21st Birthday

I have written letters before and included them in my blog for a few reasons.  

1. I figure it is a good place to store them.  
2. I want to publicly celebrate my amazing kids.
3. Sometimes these things will someday apply to my younger kids which is why this letter begins Dear Daughter....




Dear Daughter,

Happy 21st Birthday!  Every birthday is special and always another opportunity to celebrate YOU and the wonderful gift that you are.  Birthdays probably mean the most to parents, who can look back and remember not only the amazing day you were born but all the special times along the way.  Your dad and I are so thankful for you and the perfectly unique way that God put you together and entrusted you to us.

Lots of birthdays are special milestones.  You turned 10 and it was “double digits!”  13 and you became a teenager.  Sweet 16 and you could drive a car.  18 and you were legally an adult and could vote.  Our society has attached a milestone to this birthday as well.  You are 21 and you can legally buy and drink alcohol.

Yikes.  Where to begin...  

I could begin with what God’s Word says about drinking, and I know you have learned this.  The Bible does not prohibit drinking, but it does have some things to say about it.  (1 Corinthians 10:23-24, 1 Corinthians 8:9, Galatians 5:21) I think there is one key to guide it all:  You are an ambassador for Christ!  All the time and everywhere you go.  You are representing Him.  Think for one moment how it represents Him when you allow yourself to be under the influence of alcohol or any other substance.  You have labeled yourself a Christian among your friends.  They are looking at what you do and what you say.  Be responsible for drawing people to God, not turning them away!  

I could begin with potential consequences.  The risks are high and the dangers are real.  You have been through the DARE Program and learned all the stats.  But indulge me and imagine this scenario for a minute.  You are drinking.  Therefore you are not thinking as rationally as you are as you read this.  You convince yourself that you are fine to drive.  Possible consequences?  You get a DUI.  How exactly are you going to get to that shiny new career you are working towards when you can’t drive for the next couple of years?  You injure or kill someone else.  You injure or kill yourself.  These are horrible, I know.  But guess what?  Unlike so many other awful things that can happen in life, these are 100% avoidable.  I made a decision many years ago and I URGE you to do the same:  Even one drink, and I don’t get behind the wheel.  Extreme?  Maybe.  But why risk it?

I could begin with how it looks. We live in a social media world.  You are close to being a teacher.  Your future employers will devour the internet to see what kind of character you have.  Parents of your students will see you out at restaurants.  You may keep your twitter feed and FB page clean, but other people in your world have cameras too.  If I was a principal looking to hire a band director and had 2 candidates, you can be sure that things like character and personal habits would effect my decision.

I could begin with experience.  When a kid is 14 and a parent gives them warnings based on their past experiences, the kid thinks they are stupid and just trying to keep him from having fun.  But as that kid gets older, he begins to realize that experience really is worth something, and adults really do have something to say based on lessons they have learned.  I believe you have come to the point where you know I am not just trying to manipulate your behavior.  I don’t think I have to go into the gory details, but based on my real life experiences, I can honestly say: drinking is not worth it.  The pleasure of a few minutes or hours doesn’t even come close to being worth the potential price you might pay.

So there are lots of places I could begin, but only one real place I want to end.  I love you.  You are beautiful, smart, talented, generous, and a faithful child of God.  You are courageous enough to not care if you are not doing what everyone else around you is doing.  You are wise enough to know that pleasure in the moment is not worth sacrificing the potential of the future.  And you are confident enough to know that you are representing yourself, your family and your God.

Have an awesome birthday, kiddo!  Show ‘em that you are special!

Love, Mom

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts on a winter day.

When my kids were little, I remember getting excited when I got a little break from the day-to-day.....a night out with my girlfriends, a weekend away with my husband.  Now, I get excited when I get to spend time with my kids.  They basically live away at college or in their bedrooms, and I CRAVE rare minutes spent with them.

I wish everyone had a job that they loved as much as I do.  I work with amazing, godly, fun people and it really is a blessing to be a part of a team with common purposes.

There is so much power in thinking about the “wholeness” of the Bible.  All of the little stories are amazing and important and meaningful, and for years that is pretty much all I saw.  But when I look at the whole thing as one big story of God’s relationship and pursuit of us, it is INCREDIBLE!  

Turning 40 was fine and no big deal.  But I can’t think of any part of turning 50 that I am looking forward to.

I think it would be fascinating to have a conversation with 20 year old me.  I’m pretty sure it would be 2 very different people talking to each other.  Thankful that God makes things new and is always faithful!

I am more and more convinced all the time that people are horrible at evaluating themselves...seeing their faults, their sin, their potential.

Bad habits are super hard to overcome.

I kind of stink at this blogging thing.

One thing I would really like to get better at is encouraging people.  Not just an occasional compliment, but genuine life-giving encouragement.  I think that is a rare thing in our society.

I've learned that there are two big things that can suck the joy out of your life.  Regrets about your past and worries about your future.  The key is in remembering that the grace of God is huge and will take care of both of these things.  And THEN, I can find the joy in today.

A Fine Balance

As I am muddling my way through parenting teens and young adults, I am learning that there are lots of balancing acts.  I am attempting to cross a high wire and not fall in either direction.  On one side is over-parenting and on one side is under-parenting.

The goal is to reach the other side with strong, godly, independent adults.  But while crossing the wire, I find myself wobbling and leaning and overcompensating.  

Sometimes it’s so easy to see other parents who appear to have already fallen to one side or the other.

Permissive Parents....

• have no idea what is going on with their kids on social media.
• have little to no knowledge as to where their kids are or who they are with.
• believe that dating is just for fun and has nothing to do with their kid’s future relationships or ultimately their spouse.
• are worried about their kid being unhappy with them if they say no too often.
• see no problem with their kid vacationing with a girlfriend or boyfriend’s family.

Helicopter parents...

• micromanage their kid’s life (homework, calendar, finances)
• are quick to step in when their kids have a struggle in a social situation.
• always jump in to bail their kids out, sometimes not allowing them to experience consequences.
• are “too present.”  They chaperone every event and are always on the sideline.
• fully fund their teens and young adults because they don’t want them to miss out on anything.

I have seen many of these in the lives of parents I know and I have seen many of them slip into my parenting.  I have to really struggle to not fall off the rope onto the helicopter side.  I have no doubt if you surveyed my kids, they would say the same thing.  

But I think healthy self-examination is the first step to getting things right.  When I think about the fact that I have such a limited time left truly parenting my girls, I want to make sure I am getting as much right as I truly can.

When Nik Wallenda recently crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope, he didn’t get there safely by casually walking along, distracted by the person talking to him in his headset, pushed around by the wind and the mist, worrying about his own comfort, worrying about how he looked to others.  He had to be solely focused on one thing:  making it to the other side.