I mentioned this in a blog on January 7th and have decided to revisit it. Most people so far have agreed with what I have written in blogs, but this time I KNOW that is probably not the case...(climbing on my soapbox here, so this is going to be L-O-N-G.)
"It’s okay mom, they go to St. Bernard Church.” Come on....the standard here is significantly higher than that! I mean they need to be born again and living for God. I want them to love Jesus WAY more than they love you. Most of the time (though not always) this means they are part of a family who lives for God as well.
“I think ‘Joe‘ is a Christian.” ASK!! We can’t let this be too awkward. Most parents have totally gotten out of the practice of questioning the person their child is dating. “That’s old-fashioned.” “That would be awkward or embarrassing.” “I trust my kid to be making the right choice.” All of those are a little true, but who cares!!!! This is too important. And not only do I want to ask questions to the person they are dating...I want to meet the parents! Immediately you are thinking: “They are dating them...not marrying them!” AHA....wait until you get to my next point!
“It’s okay, mom. They are going to start coming to church with us.” That is awesome! We will even pick them up each week! But that does not make them automatically and immediately date-able. By dating them first or even at the same time they are exploring the possibility of God is still not a good idea.
“I know that ‘Johnny’ may not be a Christian but they are such a good kid! They are respectful and smart and well-rounded, etc.” Really? 2 Corinthians 6:14 talks about not yoking ourselves to unbelievers. I don’t think that verse is speaking specifically or only to marriage like some people like to use it. I think it applies to EVERY significant relationship in our lives...marriage, close friendships, business partners, and yes...dating.
2. The purpose of dating should be to find a spouse.
Okay, if you followed me on the first one, I may lose you here. I think if you don’t consider a person someone you could see yourself marrying, you should not even go on a first date with them. Why do we need to let our kids get into intimate (physical, emotional and even spiritual) relationships just ‘because.’ Just because society says this is what you do during your teen years and your 20’s doesn’t make it wise! I know so many parents who don’t take this view. They encourage their kids to date just for the fun of it. “It’s not like you are going to marry him....just have fun.” Okay, so what is the point of that? My kids have had a great time through junior high and high school with great friends (guys and girls) and I don’t think they have missed out on anything. I am pretty sure they would agree.
Final thoughts...
I know many of my friends totally disagree with my view on this. Even if I have never had the face-to-face conversation with moms, I have seen the kids’ facebook pages and the 14 year olds kids ‘in a relationship’ with each other. I’ve seen the pictures that tell the stories. I’m sure if asked, parents would comment that it is harmless. Is it really?
I have learned that kids will rise to the expectations that are set. I dream of my girls saving their hearts for their husbands. Why tie that heart and everything else that goes with that to 5 other guys beforehand?
Lest I be considered a hypocrite, don’t assume that I got all this down perfectly myself. But I have seen enough life and relationships and I have learned enough about what God desires for His kids to have an opinion. And I’m sure that now that I have thrown this out there, people will smirk when my kids don’t get it perfectly. But that’s okay. Like I said, I would rather set the bar high than compromise and do what the world does.
It’s a blog. It’s for opinions, right? Go ahead. Tell me why and where I am wrong.
Maybe I will do a future blog on what I think dating should look like......
LOVE it! When Randy and I started dating (I was 21, he was 23), we were dating with marriage in mind. And neither of my parents liked it (or him, really). They thought I hadn't dated enough guys to be serious about this one. I can remember thinking, "Wouldn't you rather me not get my heart broken? Wouldn't you rather I not carry a ton of baggage into my marriage?" I'm so glad you're the kind of parent who protects the hearts of her daughters! Thanks for posting this!
ReplyDeleteYou are a wise woman, Beth. Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you Beth. However, lets not forget our boys. I want the same for my son. We have been so blessed in raising our kids. God has been a great part of their lives by their own choice. Dating has really never been much of an issue in our household because our kids also agree with your statements. We are blessed in the choice our son has made and dare I say, pray that she is "the one"! In addition to your comments though, I would like to remind parents to talk with their kids about the importance of taking the advice of those (important christians) around them when it comes to dating and even as much as friends. Often friends and, yes, parents can see what is blinded by "love". Sarah was lucky that she could see in Randy what her parents did not and she had a level, christ minded head. Many teenagers, and even 20 year olds do not.
ReplyDeleteAnd just because someone is a devoted christian, doesn't mean they are the one God chose for you. Look at how they are treating the people in their life. You would think that if a guy (or girl) is a christian they would treat others with love, kindness, and respect. However, we are talking about teenagers for the most part here and they often have not figured out what that looks like. They may look like the perfect guy/girl on the outside, but this is where the advise of those important christians in your life comes in. Keith once said, "If you're single, run as hard and fast as you can after christ. Then look around to see who's keeping up. Pick that person"
thanks for listening!!
babs
Thanks for the comments!
ReplyDeleteBabs, I definitely agree with that stuff applying to boys. I guess it was in my mind, but I tend to always lean towards the girl's perspective for obvious reasons. HA. Funny that you mentioned that Keith quote. I just said the exact same thing to a friend last week!
Likely many Christian parents would agree with what Beth has posted, however; I am going to push back to those parents. As a single (never married, no children) Christian in my mid-30's, my experience is that the 'church' community as a whole does a very poor job of accepting single christians in the late 20's age range and beyond. Parents are fine with what Beth said for your teenage children, but what about when they are in their 20's or 30's? Are you prepared for that? Are you still encouraging them to be who God called them and expecting a higher standard from them, or are you allowing the compromises to come in because you really want grandchildren? Are you putting your dreams for your child above God's?
ReplyDeleteAs parents today, are you truly surrounding and modeling the inclusion of older (beyond the young 20's) christian single people into your teenager's life? In church, single Christians are often relegated to the "Single's Group" and the "Toddler Room" to serve and are an after thought to be included in events or group activities (especially outside of a church 'activity').
Parents, are you really comfortable being around single people?, do you pity them?, look down on them?, believe they are missing out?, or do you love them and include them? Do you just include them in the 'guys night' or 'girls night'? Your teenagers see these value judgements and it also impacts their decision making as well.
I pray that as the church we can continue to improve to accept people who are different from us in the small things instead of only focusing on those who are 'like' us.
Jenn
Jenn...you're absolutely right, and you make some good (and convicting) points. The Church (local and universal) has not been great about accepting, including, utilizing, and ministering to/with single adults.
ReplyDeleteSuch is backwards from Scripture, too, according to Paul's words in 1 Cor. 7 that it is, in many ways, better to remain unmarried because married folks tend to allow worldly concerns to easily distract them from their relationship with God. "I say this for your own benefit, not to put any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the Lord."
For my part, I'm giving serious thought to your concerns, and considering the ways that I may have been dismissive (however unintentionally) of single adults in the past, and how I can be intentional about not doing so in the future. I certainly want my kids to grow up knowing that my hope for them is that they would be faithful and committed people of God, regardless of their marital status (or any other "status"!) at any age. But I can't deny that the Church has, as a general rule, been pretty poor about accepting single adults...which is silly, and even offensive to me. But no less true.
I appreciate your candor and thoughtfulness.
Matt